Oct. 2--In this volatile economic climate, some investors are desperate for financial advice. -- We doubt they're desperate enough to take it from The Flip Side, but you never know. -- So, today, we make an uncharacteristic foray into personal finance with advice for these trying times. -- Here are Four Places To Put Your Money Now:

jblundo@dispatch.com

1. The mattress

If you cut open the seam binding that runs along the top and bottom perimeters of a standard mattress, you could stuff some bills in there.

"It would take a lot of ones to make a dent, but if you got some big bills, you could probably get enough in there," said Jeff Merrill, an owner of the Original Mattress Factory.

Merrill said the cash, carefully placed, shouldn't interfere with comfort.

Downside: The Flip Side was unable to find an interest-bearing mattress.

2. The backyard

Pirates, drug dealers and other astute business types have been burying treasures for a long time -- why not you?

Because the money will get wet.

But fear not: The government might replace it. The U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing Web site ( www.moneyfactory.gov), perhaps anticipating a trend, tells how to replace currency damaged by burial.

Downside: You might lose money -- literally. Draw a good map.

3. Stock

As in: livestock.

A laying hen can produce an egg a day, said David Latshaw, a professor of animal science at Ohio State University. And that's regardless of how much world financial markets are roiling the Dow.

Also, you can eat a meat chicken 40 days after hatching. Don't try that with General Motors stock.

Downside: You can't unload underperforming feeder pigs with your Charles Schwab account.

4. Alaskan bridge contracts

This kind of investment is more speculative.

Whether she wins the vice presidency or not, Sarah Palin has raised the profile of Alaska. Any resulting population boom could remove a chief objection to Alaskan bridges: that they go nowhere.

Invest now.

Downside: If Barack Obama wins, the better play might be Chicago political machinery.

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