Apr. 20--The economic crisis is global, which means countries around the world should work together to solve it. Unfortunately, as the last 2,000 years have shown us, countries kind of stink at that.

So it's time we divvy up the duties. We're giving every nation its own way of reviving the economy.

* UNITED STATES: Hold tea parties protesting high taxes; charge 10 bucks a head for admission; hold second round of tea parties protesting high admission for first round of tea parties; charge 5 bucks a head for admission; hold third round of tea parties protesting the sheer volume of tea you drank; charge 2 bucks a head to use the restroom.

* NORTH KOREA: First of all, stop trying to build nukes. They are impolite, to say the least, and good luck trying to recoup your money on the black market in this economy.

Threatening to wipe everybody off the face of the Earth -- what kind of business model is that? What are you, the New York Yankees?

* ITALY: Make a series of $100-million movies about the Mafia; sue yourselves for defamation of character.

* BELGIUM: In the last millennium, the Belgians made stunning advances in the areas of beer, chocolate and waffles. Therefore, they are entitled to take this millennium off.

* SOMALIA: That pirate shtick is so adorable in theory, but the Somalians are taking it WAY too seriously. Here's what they should do: When an American ship passes by, PRETEND to be pirates.

They should wear eye patches and 18th-Century pirate uniforms, charge onto the ship chanting pirate-y chants, serenade the captain with a Jimmy Buffett song, serve fried mozzarella and lukewarm potato skins, then sell a bunch of kitschy memorabilia on their way off the ship. Americans love that stuff. They'd make a fortune.

* FRANCE: Twice a week, every French adult is now required to take a deep drag on a cigarette, mutter something bitter about American tourists, spend at least 200 euros on food and wine, then complain about using the same currency as Germany. In other words: You're doing great, France. Don't change a thing.

* GRAND CAYMAN: Rob your own banks, then refuse to investigate out of respect for the privacy of the customers.

* CHINA: The Chinese recently slowed their purchases of U.S. Treasury bonds; it is unclear if they did this because the economy is slowing down, or because they now own all existing bonds. We hereby beg the Chinese to print fake treasuries, buy them and send the proceeds our way.

* SPAIN: Find a way to make extremely healthy and delicious cheese. Send it to me. How will this help the economy, you ask? Let me worry about that. You just work on that cheese.

There you go: one revived world economy, to go, with a Coke and side of fries. Speaking of which: Everybody in the world is now required to order a side of fries with every meal. If nothing else, at least we can agree on THAT, can't we?

Contact MICHAEL ROSENBERG: 313-222-6052 or mrosenberg@freepress.com. For information on his new book, "War As They Knew It: Woody Hayes, Bo Schembechler and America in a Time of Unrest," go to wwwCE-1daustinmichael-rosenberg.comENDCE.michaelrosenberg.com or www.amazon.com

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