About 95 percent of Americans say the economy is in a shambles and more than half of us say we don't plan on buying anything more expensive than a tray of Old Forge Red any time soon.
Good thing Snuggies are only $14.99 at Boscov's.
"What's a Snuggie?" you may ask, pretending you don't know. It's essentially a big blanket with sleeves, and some 4 million Snuggies have been sold since the ubiquitous "As Seen on TV" spots began airing a few months back.
Snuggies are a bona fide national craze, one of the few products moving in an economy frozen in its tracks. When folks have disposable income, they spend it on leisure. When money is tight, they go looking for comfort, the cheaper the better. The Snuggie -- not to be confused with the more luxurious and expensive Slanket -- is a polyester hybrid of a bathrobe and a hospital gown, with the toasty substantiality of the former and the chilly utility of the latter.
I managed to resist the Snuggie Syndrome until late last week, when a few days of subzero lows left me despondent and seeking solace in the counsel of co-workers.
"The Snuggie changed my life," said Patrice Wilding, host of "The Weekend Show with Patrice" at Thetimes-tribune.com. Although she's a Lifestyles staff writer, rides a motor-scooter and has tattoos, Patrice is not given to hyperbole. If she was willing to vouch for the Snuggie, I figured it had to be the real deal.
They come in red and blue. I bought blue, which makes me look like a cross between Papa Smurf and Bigfoot. A neighbor likely phoned in the region's first "Smurfsquatch" sighting as I bounded from the car to the house.
A confirmed adult who excels at online poker and handles the household finances, my wife keeps the thermostat set just high enough to keep the pipes from freezing. The house is like an igloo. She wears five sweatshirts and warms her hands over scented candles.
"The heating bill for December was $400," she snapped the last time I complained about losing feeling in my toes. "That's four tickets to Springsteen. You've got 10 toes; there's only one Boss."
There's no arguing with that kind of logic. The Snuggie, I hoped, would be the ultimate equalizer.
"It's a backwards bathrobe," she mocked as I pulled hers from the box. "That's the lamest thing I've ever seen."
"You said that on our wedding night," I replied. "Just try it, you might like it."
"You said that on our wedding night," she said. "All right, give me the stupid thing."
And the rest, they say, is history. Snuggies are now a fixture at Rancho Kelly, and God bless the Chinese political prisoners who make them. I'm kidding. Probably.
And while the headlines aren't likely to thaw any time soon, spring is just around the corner. When the wind blows cold and hard against you, it's best to put your head down and keep walking. That way, you won't trip on your Snuggie.
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